Hi all and good evening. For those of you who do not know me, my name is Jacqueline Wastal and I survived multiple suicide losses. Thank you for attending tonight’s virtual candlelight ceremony. It warms my heart to see everyone who attends and I know this is one step in the prevention of suicide. As I sit down and write this, I must admit, I feel quite hopeless, ironic considering the theme of this year is “Creating Hope through Action”. It is incredibly hard to write about the hope that I do not have.

My grief has struck me in a different way recently, in a way I had not really been prepared for or had expected. Within grieving my sister, who died by suicide, I grieve other losses of mine, and also, sit with others in their grief, pain, and sadness. And, if we are honest, there are times these days in which the world feels heavier than usual. So, how can I speak on hope when I don’t have any?! Because I hope I won’t feel this way forever and because if I feel this way, there is someone else who feels similar. Maybe I am to speak on this because I need to create hope for me through action? Maybe this is my action…

Hope is a tricky thing as I feel it eludes me, and, those of us in this particular instance. Hope, apparently, is a noun and a verb, making it something we can obtain, have, or put into action. Merriam-Webster defines hope as “to expect with confidence” and “to desire with expectation of obtainment or fulfillment.” Wikipedia defines hope as “an optimistic state of mind that is based on an expectation of positive outcomes with respect to events and circumstances in one’s life or the world at large”. Gosh, that sounds optimistic! I mean, Ariel, the little mermaid, hoped to be a human and it worked out for her! Recently, it does not seem as though I can have either of these definitions since my sister passed away. As someone who has suffered depression, I understand the feeling of hopelessness and can imagine she felt the same when she passed. So, why should I experience hope if she cannot? What do we do when we lose that confidence, expectation, or desire? What becomes of us and our spirit if we do not have hope?

I was at lunch last month with a friend, who recently lost his girlfriend to suicide, discussing the word “hope,” what it means, how to find it, and how to keep it. I struggled with that answer. Hope is a way of wanting something, is found in us, can be encouraged by support systems and can only be kept to the best of our ability. Give yourself grace in this department. Be patient and kind to yourself. These are some of the hardest action steps. I am hardest on myself, especially with my education and wisdom in the mental health field.

At times, when we do not feel hope, we attempt to create hope; hope to keep ourselves going and hope for others. I think these attempts are a part of human nature because we need hope to keep faith to heal through our pain and continue to walk in our journey. We need hope when life seems too much, which is more frequently these days than ever.

Hope can be found in all kinds of forms and taking action is one form.

Taking action looks different for each person. These are only suggestions and please, take what you want to use and put the rest in your pocket for when someone else needs them. Hope can be found in the action of self-care, not just in a bubble bath or face mask, but in therapy or healing. Another action is to talk about your loved one and become an advocate for mental health and suicide stigma. This can show up in several different ways. Maybe you mention your story in a conversation or reach out to a friend or family member who is struggling. I cannot say it enough, reach out to others. Let them know that you are there and will sit with them, even when they do not know how to ask. Listen to the stories of others. Sometimes this helps me not feel so alone and they also feel supported. Volunteer to speak to survivors of suicide loss or those who have suicide ideation. Hold ceremonies in remembrance. Have open, honest, and vulnerable conversations about suicide. Do not be afraid to say the word. Reflect upon how far you have come. Are you in the same place you were when in the first few days of your loved one’s passing? I know I am not. I have come so far just in my own story that it gives me, and others, hope.

Personally, I speak openly about suicide, advocate for mental health, promote the new hotline of 988, and volunteer for EMPACT’s LOSS and SOS programs. As a Christian, I pray for hope and guidance, maintaining my faith that I will receive both.

I hope that when you feel hopeless, you take action and create that hope for you, or for someone else. And, remember, you are not alone and let’s do our best to be sure others remember they are not alone.

I recently came across a quote from a Harry Potter book, as a wise wizard, Albus Dumbledore, once said, “happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light”. I find this quote appropriate for a few reasons. My sister was a Harry Potter fan. Also, as we light tonight’s candles, they symbolize to me a “turning on the light” for us survivors, those who died by suicide, and those who suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts.